So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
