Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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