Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Holy sore nipples Batman
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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