im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
