Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
