i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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