You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
