I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Randomize
