so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
