you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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