She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
