Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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