I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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