Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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