So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
