You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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