wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Randomize
