My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
