youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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