Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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