Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
