garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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