he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
