So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
