I cannot find my penis.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
