He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
