Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
