The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
