Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
