I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
