Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
