I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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