is your mom at the bar?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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