life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
