why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
