i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
