I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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