Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
