He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
