well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize