Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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