I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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