Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
