you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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