my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
