I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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