All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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