if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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