I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
