Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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