yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
