roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
