we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
