im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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