seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
