I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I supernannyed him into submission
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
