even my farts smell like vagina
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
