obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
