When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
