they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
