My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
